How do I organize a funeral, how does it work, what costs do I have to bear: Many people are overwhelmed with such thoughts in case of bereavement. There is also sometimes uncertainty among mourners. For example, about what clothing is appropriate at a funeral. Should you bring something, maybe flowers or monetary donations? Which sayings are suitable for the funeral service or letter of condolence? Here you will find all the important information on the subject, as well as answers to the most common questions..
Erledungen before a funeral
Shortly after the death of a loved one, the surviving dependents have to take care of organizational matters. If the deceased did not die in the hospital, you must notify a doctor who will determine the death. With the first calls, be sure to inform close relatives and confidants. Here's how you can provide each other with support and stability during this difficult period.
Within the first 36 hours of the time of death, you must also contact a funeral home. This takes care of the deceased, picks him up, keeps him for farewells and prepares the actual funeral.
Documents needed for the funeral
It is best to take care of the required documents in a timely manner. From the doctor who diagnosed the death, the relatives receive a so-called death certificate. With this you can apply for the death certificate at the registry office. However, this can also be a service provided by the funeral home contracted.
In addition, you need the birth certificate and identity card. Depending on the case, other documents are added: for example, a marriage certificate, the will of the deceased, an organ donor card and a contract for death insurance (if taken out).
Usual clothing at a funeral
In Central Europe, black is the dominant color of clothing at a funeral. This is especially true for the top layer of clothing, which is visible at first glance. Men usually wear a black suit, black tie, shoes and stockings. Women often wear a black dress or black skirt. You are welcome to wear a white shirt or blouse under the jacket for contrast.
This is the outfit that closest loved ones choose above all else. Other colors are considered unsuitable for a funeral, unless expressly requested by the surviving dependents. Black or dark tones are incidentally also indicated for bags or umbrellas.
Expiration: What to consider when making a funeral?
The funeral can be traditional or a bit more individual. This depends mainly on whether the deceased was a member of a church. However, the basic procedure usually remains very similar:
During the funeral service
A joint funeral service is held prior to the actual funeral. This is usually done in the immediate vicinity of the later burial place: for Catholics in the church, for Protestants more often in the cemetery chapel. A ceremony at the funeral home is also possible. The close relatives can greet the mourners outside or go directly to their seats. Right at the front in coffin or urn sit the direct survivors. Close relatives and friends follow, and finally more distant relatives and acquaintances.
Typical components of funeral services are an address by the priest, musical accompaniment, songs and intercessions. In secular funerals, a funeral orator leads through the funeral service, often the design is more individual with personal memories. The coffin or urn is usually placed in the front part of the hall and is decorated with flowers and/or a picture.
During the funeral
After the funeral service, the eponymous part of the funeral begins. The mourners escort the urn or the coffin to the final resting place. There the members pause again briefly or pray together. Then the deceased is handed over to the earth and buried. At this last farewell, you can give flowers or small mementos to take to the grave.
Often the relatives linger at the grave. Friends and acquaintances then have the opportunity to wish condolences and to give the family strength for the difficult time. Not many words are needed for this. A hug, a handshake or even just the feeling of togetherness can be an expression of one's grief and compassion. If the relatives do not wish to receive condolences at the grave, they point this out in advance in the funeral announcement. In that case you should respect the wish and not condole at the grave.
After the funeral
Following this main part of the funeral, there is often a so-called funeral feast. At the same time the relatives invite to coffee and cake and/or canapes. Often this meeting lasts no longer than two hours. This setting provides another opportunity for shared conversation and memories of the deceased.
Funeral: sayings and quotes for the funeral service
Sometimes the relatives would like to say a few words at the funeral service. Gladly they would like to begin their speech with a quotation or a sensitive saying. Such sayings are also suitable for condolence or for bows on grave arrangements and wreaths. We have collected a selection for you:
Quotes from famous thinkers
- "Hope is like a ray of sunshine that penetrates a sad heart. Open wide and let them in." (Christian Friedrich Hebbel)
- "You are no longer where you were. But you are everywhere where we are." (Victor Hugo)
- "The bonds of love are not cut with death." (Thomas Mann)
- "Thank you for the way you have gone with us. Thank you for the hand that was so helpful to us. Thank you that you existed."(Rainer Maria Rilke)
- "Inner happiness is not dependent on material circumstances. It takes root in our spirit."(Dalai Lama)
- "To be allowed to fall asleep when you are tired, and to be allowed to drop a burden that you have carried for a long time, that is a delicious, wonderful thing." (Hermann Hesse)
- "The more beautiful and full the memory, the harder is the separation."(Dietrich Bonhoeffer)
- "Memory is the only paradise from which we cannot be expelled." (Jean Paul)
- "Separation may well be called death, for who knows where we go. Death is only a short separation to an eternal reunion." (Josef von Eichendorff)
- "He who lives in the memory of his loved ones is not dead, he is only far away; dead is only he who is forgotten." (Immanuel Kant)
- "The only important things in life are the traces of love we leave behind when we go." (Albert Schweitzer)
- "No one knows death, and no one knows whether it is not for man the greatest happiness of all." (Socrates)
Short sayings, wisdoms and verses
Flowers and floral decorations at funerals
Both for the coffin at the funeral service, but especially for the grave, it is customary in this country to decorate with flowers and flower arrangements and to honor the deceased. The closer the deceased was to you, the more visible it usually is. Many loved ones feel the need to say goodbye with a personal touch. Basically you have the choice between funeral wreaths and funeral arrangements.
Wreaths are a bit more expansive, floral arrangements are more compact. The latter are somewhat cheaper and more versatile. For example, a flower arrangement in the shape of a heart is very popular. As an alternative, you can bring a beautiful, large and stylish flowerpot with plants. Advantage: These can be planted on the grave afterwards.
Which flower decoration should it be?
The question of suitable flowers for the funeral often arises. On the one hand, you can choose flowers that the deceased liked. At the same time there are classic funeral flowers. In the past, only funeral flowers such as the lily were common, but today it can be more colorful.
A small selection of popular flowers for the funeral:
- Rose: stands for love and affection
- Calla: stands for immortality and beauty
- Carnation: stands for love but also noblesse
- Lily: represents hope and light
- Chrysanthemum: stands for loyalty and consistency
- Forget-me-not: stands for togetherness and eternity
In a wreath or flower arrangement, of course, you can mix these flowers. With a saying or farewell words on a noble bow as well as other smaller decoration elements you personalize your grave decoration. The cost depends on the size and amount of work. You should calculate between 50 and 200 euros for it.
Funeral costs: How expensive is a funeral??
An important point of the funeral are the associated costs. You should take care of this at an early stage: According to § 1968 of the Civil Code, heirs must pay for the cost of the funeral. These are often the closest family members. How much the costs are, can not be generalized. Numerous individual factors determine the final sum. For the entire funeral you should plan:
- Type of burial
- Services of the funeral home
- Choice of casket or urn for the deceased
- Costs for flower arrangements and other decorations
- Fees for the cemetery
- Grave fees
- Gravestone
- Expenses for the funeral feast
Accordingly, the details and average cost of a funeral vary. In the simplest variant, a funeral can cost less than 1.000 euros. Then it concerns an anonymous burial without funeral service. In most cases, however, significantly higher expenses come to the survivors. A funeral with the above factors quickly costs between 5.000 and 8.000 euros. Depending on the choice of coffin, tombstone and floral decoration can even 10.000 to 15.000 euros are incurred.
Financing a funeral
Ideally, the deceased has taken out a death benefit insurance to finance the funeral. If available, you can pay for the funeral out of your inheritance.
Without these funds, the financing already becomes more difficult. Perhaps the surviving relatives can meet the costs together. Alternatively, you can finance the funeral through an installment loan. If you cannot bear the costs of the funeral yourself, you can apply for help from the social welfare office. However, this is granted only under certain conditions.
Leave from the employer for the funeral
In the event of a funeral, you can get time off from work for a funeral. Special leave in the event of death is given mainly to close relatives. So if the deceased is the spouse, your own parents or children.
Depending on the employer, this can be up to three days. However, you must apply for special leave separately. The duration of the leave depends on various factors: the relationship to the deceased, the length of service and the agreement with the employer. The following rule has become established:
Common questions and answers about funerals
Many are putting off the funeral issue until they have to deal with it. Under grief, however, it is difficult to impossible to consider everything. It is then important to have the support of family and friends. To help you additionally, we have gathered the most common questions and answers about funeral.
According to burial deadlines, dead bodies must be buried or cremated within a certain time window. This period begins 48 hours after the time of death is determined. Here's how to avoid the risk of a fake death.
Maximum periods depend on the place and type of burial: in North Rhine-Westphalia, burials in the ground may take place a maximum of ten days after the death has occurred. In Bavaria, a shorter deadline of 96 hours applies. Urn burials must be completed within six weeks. Therefore, find out about the regulations that apply in your country.
Basically, the so-called cemetery constraint applies in Germany. This states that burial of the deceased may only be carried out in designated places. For a funeral, this is typically the cemetery.
Alternatively, so-called natural or tree burial exists. In this one, urn burial takes place in a specially designated burial forest. A well-known provider of such funerals is Friedwald.
Relatives are liable for funeral expenses, so they have to pay for the funeral. It is completely irrelevant what their personal relationship with the deceased may have been. Especially if you are on a tight budget, survivors should explore different financing options, such as installment loans.
In the most extreme case, it is possible to apply to the social welfare office for indigence. However, the social welfare office approves this only if no financial means are available at all or are to be expected by the inheritance. In that case, the social welfare office bears the costs, it is then a "social burial".
What is the difference between a funeral and a burial??
In common usage, the term funeral is used very broadly. It paraphrases the entire process from the funeral service, the subsequent walk to the grave with burial of the deceased and finally the funeral feast or mourning coffee in the company of dear people.
However, "funeral" actually refers only to the moment when the coffin or urn is lowered into the ground and thus covered. This process is also called grave. In contrast, a funeral or burial does not necessarily have to take place in the ground (see burial at sea).
How many people should I invite to the funeral?
At the funeral, you can invite everyone who knew the deceased and want to say goodbye to them. First and foremost, this includes the family; immediate relatives as well as somewhat more distant relatives. You should also invite friends and acquaintances of the deceased to the funeral. If this was active in an association, you can also send an invitation to the members.
In addition, you can place an obituary in the newspaper announcing the place as well as the time of the funeral. If you forgot someone in the invitations, they may learn about the funeral this way. In principle, there is no upper limit. In times of corona pandemic, however, there may be legal requirements limiting the number of attendees at the funeral.
It's common for mourners to bring flowers to a funeral. Depending upon it in form of a Gebindes, partly also a funeral wreath by a florist. In the case of an urn burial, the floral decoration will be smaller. Individual flowers are also possible here.
In some cases, the surviving dependents ask for monetary donations instead. If a charitable organization is specified, you can donate to it. Otherwise, you can put money in your letter of condolence, specifying a purpose (for flowers, tombstone…). The amount is up to you, usually twenty to fifty euros are considered appropriate.